July 16, 2006
Long post ahead.
I was packing my room and I came across my Secondary 2 journal. Some of which the incidents I don't remember anymore. Others I still remember vividly. Some of which is my first day of school and how I took 131 till KK hospital, another was how I hated my class and another was how "Today I have three tests, first is history, second is Chinese and third is that the whole class is testing me and my patience" something like that. Out of which I think the latter two made my English teacher want to pass my journal to my form teacher. But he returned the book back to me at the end of the class. Or how I wanted very much to change class in Secondary 1 and 2 even if it means dropping one class down. Or how I returned from recess one day and cried for an hour during the whole literature class till I ended in the discipline room talking to the discipline master who later punished the rest with I don't remember what. Or how I went to cry in the toilet and my relief Science teacher came in to talk to me and hugged me. And throughout school I've had many one-to-one talks with my teachers and even those who don't teach me. Plus how I wanted to change school somewhere in Secondary 3 but the principal thought I gave the thought up because I didn't go find him, the fact was he wasn't in his office. And again at the beginning of Sec 4 where the other school's bloody vice-principal didn't want to most probably because of my horrendous results and when I came back I cursed her by writing on my wall. How I cried once every few days and thought it was the year I cried the most, now I'm here crying myself to sleep everyday. The days I don't I can count one day each with my fingers, maybe on one hand. Days I get myself drugged with medicine and 2 out of the 4 exam days.
And it was somewhere during all this shit that I resorted to playing OZ just to get away from all my so-called troubles then.
I can even remember incidents back in primary school where my sister hated the principal then because she didn't tie her hair, was in home clothes and with my mum and the principal just went up to her and complained about her hair and got her to cut it short. Or how I was dragging the OHP from the corner of the class to the centre and dropped and broke the plug. Or how my then best friend tripped over a pail of water I left right outside a class door. Or when me and my sis were in the principal's office and we got scolded by her because we had grey(white turned grey) shoes and I got scolded by my sis when we reached home because it was my fault we were called to the office. And that day we left school for a short while with another unknown girl to travel to different schools in a car and I came back to class during Miss Ang's period and everyone was asking me where I went but I never told. One of my worst memories that keeps haunting me for years. One that I remember. One that I never told anyone, till recently, not this incident but the cause of it to happen.
I guess I've so many bad memories (other than the last) which seemed so significantly bad then but are so trivial with those problems I have now. Perhaps I was an outcast. But so what? Things took a turn for the better at the end of Sec3. I was carefree, cheerful and nonchalant about life most of the time. I had my friends in the same class as me, I had others including those outside supporting me and vice versa. But where are they now? Everything seems so different.
Those matters seem like nothing now. I'd rather have a hundred of those incidents happening to me then what I'm dealing with now.
What doesn't kill me just makes me stronger. Those did. The ones now are killing me.
And it's times like this I wish I had a memory loss or STM so I could stop living in the past. But I've tried so many times to forget and the harder I try, the worst it gets. I guess my only hope is to write everything down here and one day I'll forget them all and look back after a few years to say it's all nothing now.
Needless to say, I torn out those pages and threw them away. It's no use keeping them anyway. I just wasted 40minutes typing all these. Now I should get back to packing my room.
Need I tell you one of the many reasons why I find it depressing to stay home ; one has nothing to do and it does make one think alot, sometimes way too much for them to cope with.
Feels like a load off my chest but at the same time it still feels there too.
What irony.
-nIx- @ [[4:22 PM]]
Long post ahead.
I was packing my room and I came across my Secondary 2 journal. Some of which the incidents I don't remember anymore. Others I still remember vividly. Some of which is my first day of school and how I took 131 till KK hospital, another was how I hated my class and another was how "Today I have three tests, first is history, second is Chinese and third is that the whole class is testing me and my patience" something like that. Out of which I think the latter two made my English teacher want to pass my journal to my form teacher. But he returned the book back to me at the end of the class. Or how I wanted very much to change class in Secondary 1 and 2 even if it means dropping one class down. Or how I returned from recess one day and cried for an hour during the whole literature class till I ended in the discipline room talking to the discipline master who later punished the rest with I don't remember what. Or how I went to cry in the toilet and my relief Science teacher came in to talk to me and hugged me. And throughout school I've had many one-to-one talks with my teachers and even those who don't teach me. Plus how I wanted to change school somewhere in Secondary 3 but the principal thought I gave the thought up because I didn't go find him, the fact was he wasn't in his office. And again at the beginning of Sec 4 where the other school's bloody vice-principal didn't want to most probably because of my horrendous results and when I came back I cursed her by writing on my wall. How I cried once every few days and thought it was the year I cried the most, now I'm here crying myself to sleep everyday. The days I don't I can count one day each with my fingers, maybe on one hand. Days I get myself drugged with medicine and 2 out of the 4 exam days.
And it was somewhere during all this shit that I resorted to playing OZ just to get away from all my so-called troubles then.
I can even remember incidents back in primary school where my sister hated the principal then because she didn't tie her hair, was in home clothes and with my mum and the principal just went up to her and complained about her hair and got her to cut it short. Or how I was dragging the OHP from the corner of the class to the centre and dropped and broke the plug. Or how my then best friend tripped over a pail of water I left right outside a class door. Or when me and my sis were in the principal's office and we got scolded by her because we had grey(white turned grey) shoes and I got scolded by my sis when we reached home because it was my fault we were called to the office. And that day we left school for a short while with another unknown girl to travel to different schools in a car and I came back to class during Miss Ang's period and everyone was asking me where I went but I never told. One of my worst memories that keeps haunting me for years. One that I remember. One that I never told anyone, till recently, not this incident but the cause of it to happen.
I guess I've so many bad memories (other than the last) which seemed so significantly bad then but are so trivial with those problems I have now. Perhaps I was an outcast. But so what? Things took a turn for the better at the end of Sec3. I was carefree, cheerful and nonchalant about life most of the time. I had my friends in the same class as me, I had others including those outside supporting me and vice versa. But where are they now? Everything seems so different.
Those matters seem like nothing now. I'd rather have a hundred of those incidents happening to me then what I'm dealing with now.
What doesn't kill me just makes me stronger. Those did. The ones now are killing me.
And it's times like this I wish I had a memory loss or STM so I could stop living in the past. But I've tried so many times to forget and the harder I try, the worst it gets. I guess my only hope is to write everything down here and one day I'll forget them all and look back after a few years to say it's all nothing now.
Needless to say, I torn out those pages and threw them away. It's no use keeping them anyway. I just wasted 40minutes typing all these. Now I should get back to packing my room.
Need I tell you one of the many reasons why I find it depressing to stay home ; one has nothing to do and it does make one think alot, sometimes way too much for them to cope with.
Feels like a load off my chest but at the same time it still feels there too.
What irony.
-nIx- @ [[4:22 PM]]
